Bandwagon

Jun. 25th, 2010 03:32 pm
[personal profile] sageautumn
Kinda jumping on a bandwagon I've seen on my friendlist. I've never been the post-y... I'm one of those that just comment a lot. I do, I admit, post a decent amount on Facebook, where it can be short and sweet and doesn't have to be a long thinky post. So I'm not saying I'm going to post a lot... I probably won't. I may start posting on things that I've thought about to post--just the ideas, not the full posts... who knows. I DO think those sorts of thoughts a few times a week.

Maybe this is the result of having a lot of authors and thinkers on my friends list, but unless I have a lengthy, thoughtful, well-researched post... ...I pretty much don't think what I have to say is really worth saying here. Facebook is facebook, who cares if I'm wrong there, it's just crap I'm spouting off with anyway and what's going on in my life--in short snippets.

Facebook has one large failing for me though.

My parents. And my siblings/sibling-ishes/whatever.
All of those relationships are very complicated for me.

My half-sisters friended me... first my eldest (who is exactly a decade younger than I), then the youngest (who I think did it at the urging of her best friend who also friended me), then the middle one (who I think was giving into some weird peer pressure thing from her sisters). Then my step-sister--who I have met perhaps three times--sent me a request, and I confirmed that request also.

They've no idea who each other is (are?)*, so that's not the weirdness. My mother is also my friend, and that IS weird... but not what I'm talking about today. Nor am I going to talk about how weird it is to try to appropriately communicate on a personal level with three sisters I adored, but haven't seen for about ten years or the turbulence of the time before that--which is and was totally weird.

Nope... not those things. But my Lexie/Meredith Grey* moment, I totally want to spout off about that. And I can't do it on facebook, since as weird as the relationships with all these girls are--I do not want to hurt them, and I don't wish any of them ill at all.

But, but... BUT... YOUR parent is not MY parent. My sisters got a crap deal with my mom, so did I. It was NOT THE SAME crap deal. I got a crap deal with my dad, perhaps my step-sister did also*, but if she did it was reallllly NOT THE SAME crap deal.

So I censor myself a lot when it comes to my parents. I censor offhand-funny remarks where I could say "Geez! that sounds like my mom!" even when it totally does. I censor when I'm overly aloof or distant or overly logical or simply not there, and it reminds me of my dad. I censor silly meme's that ask things about parents--or I answer for people not my parents. Or heck, I censor simple moments and thoughts.

Because I don't want to hurt the feelings of people I don't really know... by answering stuff in regard to who people were/are to me--good and bad*.

My sisters don't know the 25 year old single mom who played "Worm and Squirm*", made Cream of Wheat for me while we watched Captain Kangaroo, and took me to work with her a lot and kept me in the car/kennel/tack room while she worked. They also don't know what it's like to be left in a van outside a bar in the middle of the night, to hear your mom didn't come home because she slept in a restaurant booth, to reasonably be Very Concerned about being forgotten somewhere, or to be three and stay up all night sitting on the very back top of a couch because she said she'd say goodnight and tuck you in--only to see the sunrise*.

My mom was craptastic for them too... I have no doubt. And in ways that I probably have only an inkling of... but it was DIFFERENT.

My stepsister doesn't even know the guy of whom my first memory is him sitting on a couch, telling my mother and I that he was moving to Seattle. Though, to be fair, I don't really know that guy either. She also doesn't know the guy that came back from Seattle(for a while), played D&D and volleyball with his siblings at huge family gatherings. Again, to be fair, I don't really know that guy either. But there's a whole lifetime of slivers and not-knowings and inklings and ponderings... ...and mostly he comes off as kinda a jerk. I admit, it is very hard for me to not ask her, "Hey, is he REALLY a jerk?!"

So, yeah... ...they're the same names, the same DNA... ...but when it comes down to it, they aren't the same person. They were younger. My mom had more potential.. and failed more stunningly. They weren't as experienced--at my current age, I have a lot of forgiveness in me for some of the crap from then. They simply, totally weren't the same people. In a lot of ways, they weren't even remotely close.

Your parent is NOT my parent.
And sometimes... facebook totally fails me... because I want to say something about my mom. Or my dad.

*I also sometimes entertain thoughts of pointing them to each other going--hey, that's who that is! but I recognize that's totally without point... ...and yes, would be totally weird of me to do, and likely for them also.
**those that follow will recognize the stuff that follows, because that moment of that episode was what clicked this issue into place for me.
***but not so much, cause her mom was/is kinda awesome, yo! and a large part of the crap deal with my dad was simply absence.
****I was going to say this is more of an issue with my mom... then I realized it really isn't, it's just a different type of issue with my dad--as in they pop up in different ways.
*****both of you flailing and kicking about under the covers until breathless, laughing as you do it until one of you says STOP--then you freeze... then someone says lllleeeeettt's WORM AND SQUIRM! and you do it again
******After all, there WERE reasons my grandparents sued for (and got) custody
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